It seems almost sacrilege to write when the muse isn’t very strong. I swore I wouldn’t blog much if I didn’t have a whole lot to say. But it seems to me also that there’s just enough inspiration to make it also sacrilege to ignore the muse altogether.
It could be that what I mistake for the writer’s muse is one of two things other than inspiration to write. One, it could be the change in weather. Subtle temperatures and smells that mark the change in weather tend to bring an onslaught of memories that’s impossible to define. It reminds me so much of childhood that all I can do is sit and let it drench me in pleasant feelings. You know, feelings. Those things we forget we have because we bury them in routine or beneath mindless entertainment.
Two, it could simply be that I am feeling the effects of my decision to stop birth control pills. It’s like I’m coming out of a fog that I’ve been in for four months, and I feel so much lighter, happier. Don’t get me wrong–I am nervous that I could get pregnant sooner than I wanted, but it really comes down to what God wants anyway, and for another, I was so sick of those hormones make me either horribly depressed or angry or sleepy or unmotivated or unwilling to let DH so much as hug me. I know, I could go to a doctor and have them prescribe me a different brand name, but quite frankly, I don’t want to bother. I like my own natural hormones, thank you very much. And only being off them for a week has been enough to show me that this is what newlywed bliss is supposed to be like, not that fog of depression I’ve suffered under too long. I’m so much happier and more stress-free. And motivated. And in more control of my emotions. So yes, though I didn’t have any moral objections to the Pill, and still don’t, I now object to them solely on the grounds that ingesting fake hormones every day that make you crazy and depressed is not really a good idea.
Whichever of those two things it is (or be it a combination of the two), I am excited to say that this moment, right here, with the afternoon breeze blowing in the window, the sun shining brightly, and the peace that comes from being done with academics for awhile and knowing that it’s OK that you don’t have a job yet because jobs take time to find, is the first real sense of beauty and peace I’ve felt in at least three months. Praise God for giving my husband the wisdom and compassion to decide that we should stop with the pills. And Praise God for cool weather and beautiful afternoons.
Note: I don’t think everyone should avoid the Pill. Some people can take it just fine. But if you take it and experience depression, anger, constant fatigue, and lack of motivation, do something about it. Please. Talk to a doctor or stop taking them.